本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛My mother is a 68 years old woman. She had survived 3 strokes in the past. The majority of her hair has turned white, quite different from the last time I saw her. The wrinkles on her face seem to have grown much deeper and more in number. Though she had got away from the three fatal strokes, which was rare according to the doctor, she now limps as she walks and walking has become a big challenge for her. To make the situation worse, she has Alzheimer’s disease, because of which she has forgotten most of the things in the past. And she has no memory of anything that has happened a few seconds ago. If you ask her a question, she literally forgets it just by the time you finish asking the question. She does not remember if she has already eaten her meals a few seconds after her meal, so she would eat anything that she finds or is put in front of her. Sometimes, she does not even remember where the washroom is; so she would just do it anywhere she thinks is convenient, or somewhere she thinks is the washroom. At the other occasions, she does it before she could get to the washroom because her legs are too weak to allow her to move as quickly as she wants.
Her brain functions very strangely. Though she has forgotten almost everything that had happened to her, images of the past still keep popping up randomly in her mind from time to time. When that happens, she would be talking about an incident that took place in the past and thinks that it is happening now. I always ask her questions, because I think that by making her talk by asking her questions, it will help her brain stay active and hopefully she will regain some of the damaged brain cells. And also, asking her questions can break her mind away from getting into bad memories of the past. One day I saw her talking to herself about something in the past that seemed to bother her. I had no idea what she was talking about but I knew I had to stop her from going any further, because left alone she could get out of control. I usually would ask her any short question aloud just to stop her mind from thinking along the path of what she is thinking at that moment, similar to rebooting a computer when it is acting up. So, in a loud voice, I asked her how many sons she had; a question she had always answered correctly. To my surprise, she said she had two sons, which was wrong because I have three brothers. I was curious so I kept on talking to her and finally I found something, which I never knew, that happened to her when she was a little girl. When I was trying to reset her brain, she was probably thinking of the time when she was a little girl. The two sons were actually referring to her two brothers. I asked her where her parents were; she said they were still back in Chioazhou. I asked her if she wanted to go back to see them. Confused, she said yes and then no, in an expression and a tone of voice that was mixed with sorrow and anger. I saw tears in her eyes when she was telling me more of her past in bits and scrapes, from which I was able to know what had happened. She had been given away by her parents when she was a little girl, because they were too poor to raise her up. Even though I wanted to know more about my mother, I realized that I had to stop because I did not want stretch open her wound just to satisfy my curiosity; so I changed the topic abruptly to prevent her from going further into her heart-broken memories.
Knowing that she has so much bad memories of the past, I think, in a way, the Alzheimer’s disease might actually be good for her, because when she does not remember the past, they cannot hurt her. But then what kind of life is a person getting without a memory of the past, not knowing anything that is happening now, and having a state of mind that the future does not exist. I used to think that a person’s soul and spirits or mind have something to do with the brain, or at least I used to think it is where they reside, without which one dies instantly, or if it is damaged one looses the ability to think or to remember. If my mother loses her memory completely one day, and everything I say to her is forgotten right away, then what kind of a person has she become? I believe that everyone is a sinner at birth. And I tend to believe that a person’s brain, which is responsible for learning, thinking and remembering, is the origin of all evils. Apart from the good side of it, which benefits people, I think a person’s brain is also responsible for immorality and wickedness. A person who loses the ability to learn, to think and to remember cannot do anything that is beneficial nor harmful to others. Then, does this person still have a soul and spirits? If he does have a soul and spirits and, on other hand, does not sin because he loses the ability to remember, to think and to learn, then what kind of person is he?
I still know very little about my mother, and I choose to stay this way if trying to find out more about her past means painful memories. She had eight children; two had already passed away. I do not know how she was brought up. I have never seen her parents. I do not know exactly how many brothers or sisters she has. We have never shared any feelings or thoughts or experiences with each other, and I don’t know if we will ever be able to do that. My mother had never gone to school for education. She does not read or write. She is a simple person with a complicated past. She speaks what she feels, but quite often, what she feels she cannot express. She has almost lost all her memory now, and if one day her memory is gone, then nothing can go in and stay in her mind, and what is there will be gone forever.
We are living in a world that keeps changing. And we ourselves keep changing as well. Our past had already gone and disappeared, the present will be history in a second, and the future does not even exist, as we are not there yet. Loved ones have to leave you one day. Money cannot buy you everything, and even if it can, what you can buy with it does not last forever. Happiness of the past might be being sadly remembered now; whereas sadness of the present may be happily recollected in the future. Where is the Truth? Where is Eternity?
Christ Jesus, you are the Truth, the Path and the Light. You never change because you are not subject to time. And only through you can I be sure of Eternity.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net