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Revised (3): style changed and attitude changes. Another question, if I use I wish: The tense here is ok or not?

annayin(??)
Toronto: We wish

We wish
paint her in crimson,
sun blaze in her glory,
leaves flame in her mountain;

we wish
wash away her stains,
children rollick on her soil,
drizzle melt coldness;

We wish
prime her as crystal,
light traverse her corners,
nowhere hide evil;

We wish
angels guard her children,
they never fear darkness,
peace cuddle each dreams.

…

But she, a proud city,
like crystal shattered in pieces;
Crimson turns as bloody scenes,
railed with yellow ribbons.

Her slim buildings shoot up,
as candles gleaming in mourning.
sky droops cold reminiscence,
never will let going.

She, a honorable city,
Bearing the test before,
Will still rise,
justice to bloom can be expected soon.
(#1679409@0)
Last Updated: 2004-4-10
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Replies, comments and Discussions:

  • 枫下拾英 / 乐韵书香 / 花瓣雨系列之 A broken city: Toronto -annayin(??); 2004-4-8 {889} (#1678189@0)
    • RainRain, Spine, winterbreeze, jasonsandy and other friends, please give me suggestions) For thestar poetry contest.. Which one is better? (1678216) A city we live in -annayin(??); 2004-4-8 (#1678223@0)
      • 这样吧，既然月底截止。您把您的诗歌都整理一下，我们干脆给您都看看，组成评审团吧。 -haha168(冥王星); 2004-4-9 (#1679253@0)
        • anna一直有整理，到枫下专辑她的专辑里看吧~~ -rainrain(妤雨 桃醉丹斓); 2004-4-9 (#1679260@0)
        • Please review revised 3. The contest limit its theme related to Toronto. So my previous poems may not be qualified. So... -annayin(??); 2004-4-10 (#1679413@0)
      • Ok, we got it. We think "Cecilia" will be the best topic. How about "Don't cry for me, Toronto?" -jackysandy(Sandy); 2004-4-12 {419} (#1681746@0)
        In fact a positive poem will be better. Let's hear the little angle singing love songs in the heaven, and "Don't cry for me, Toronto".
        We have a feeling they will like this kind of topics.
        At the same time, we also have a feeling you might win the prize but the "Winning Poem" posted in Rolia won't be set as "精华" or "导读".
        Well, just enjoy the good sunshine and Good luck! We are all standing by you.
        • Thanks. Even it is far away for the contest. It is a good challenge for me to practice. -annayin(??); 2004-4-13 (#1682338@0)
          • 刺！我不认为是far away！可以是物，亦可为人！ -spine(刺); 2004-4-13 (#1682355@0)
            • I agree jackysandy and your suggestion. Here it means my poem, my skill is far away for the contest.... But I will try, 1 year, 2 years.... -annayin(??); 2004-4-13 (#1682457@0)
              • 刺！您的水平可以得奖。据我们的经验，西方人喜欢“感人”、“希望”，“人性”，“人权”的主题。正如Oscar的评奖，如果你表现这些主题，容易得奖。 -jackysandy(Sandy); 2004-4-13 (#1682476@0)
              • 刺！谦虚不是地方！金无足赤！ -spine(刺); 2004-4-13 (#1683161@0)
    • 我总体评价风格没有变化，但发挥了自己的强项，不错。如果有些潜词能更出奇和充满想象力就更好了。 -rainrain(妤雨 桃醉丹斓); 2004-4-8 (#1678316@0)
      • Thanks a lot. The poetry contest is very difficult, since it limit one per person and theme as toronto...Though mostly it will waste my time and money (5 for join), I still want to try. -annayin(??); 2004-4-8 (#1678329@0)
        • 嗯，加油。我把刺叫来评评也~~~ -rainrain(妤雨 桃醉丹斓); 2004-4-8 (#1678338@0)
        • 另外，最好能在篇幅上简洁简洁，更流畅些 -rainrain(妤雨 桃醉丹斓); 2004-4-9 (#1678346@0)
    • 请进：：） -spine(刺); 2004-4-9 {391} (#1678365@0)
      I wish to paint it in crimson,
      like sun blazing in its morning glory,
      and maple leaves flaming in autumn mountain.
      和
      I wish,
      it can be painted in crimson,
      as sun blazes
      in the morning,
      with maple leaves flaming.

      刺！这首好于另外一首！

      刺！需断句，需变句！ 文字如衣服，一成不变容易疲乏，色彩斑斓更惹人注意！

      刺！诗意不高，流于浮躁！

      再刺！立意差！于contest献此作，不宜！
      • Revised -annayin(??); 2004-4-9 {1276} (#1678974@0)
        • 感觉衣服还有点长，袖子甩开了就不够精神了 -rainrain(妤雨 桃醉丹斓); 2004-4-9 (#1678982@0)
          • So quick. I know what you mean. But I don't want to be very negative. So that is why, too long... Where you hope to cut? -annayin(??); 2004-4-9 (#1678985@0)
            • 我说的是作为读者的整体感觉。刺似乎不在？你耐心等等ta回来挑细节吧？ -rainrain(妤雨 桃醉丹斓); 2004-4-9 (#1678987@0)
      • Revised (3): style changed and attitude changes. Another question, if I use I wish: The tense here is ok or not? -annayin(??); 2004-4-10 {745} (#1679409@0)
        Toronto: We wish

        We wish
        paint her in crimson,
        sun blaze in her glory,
        leaves flame in her mountain;

        we wish
        wash away her stains,
        children rollick on her soil,
        drizzle melt coldness;

        We wish
        prime her as crystal,
        light traverse her corners,
        nowhere hide evil;

        We wish
        angels guard her children,
        they never fear darkness,
        peace cuddle each dreams.

        …

        But she, a proud city,
        like crystal shattered in pieces;
        Crimson turns as bloody scenes,
        railed with yellow ribbons.

        Her slim buildings shoot up,
        as candles gleaming in mourning.
        sky droops cold reminiscence,
        never will let going.

        She, a honorable city,
        Bearing the test before,
        Will still rise,
        justice to bloom can be expected soon.
        • 感觉还是i wish好些 -rainrain(妤雨 桃醉丹斓); 2004-4-10 (#1679415@0)
        • It stinks. -flyingarrow(一箭双鱼); 2004-4-10 (#1679441@0)
        • 我还是希望您能发挥您的特长，咏物寓意。蜘蛛是一个很好的比喻，我们一直印象深刻。 -jackysandy(Sandy); 2004-4-10 (#1679542@0)
          • The problem is no much choice. Thank you. I almost want to give up. -annayin(??); 2004-4-10 (#1679550@0)
            • 刺！为诗而诗痕迹很重！刺！Along the railway /rock/以及很多都是对toronto感悟的创作！为何不将原来的诗，在内容上填进描述和写实，增厚本有的诗意——原本也没有长短的限制！ -spine(刺); 2004-4-10 (#1679557@0)
            • 我看了星报网站，似乎没有要求一定要写Toronto阿。我也认为您既然已经有这么多的优秀作品，应该挑选最好的，稍作改动即可。 -jackysandy(Sandy); 2004-4-11 (#1680573@0)
              • I hope so, but Entries must be no longer than 100 lines, and must incorporate a Toronto reference or theme... (revised it again. I hope this is final..)Please use your sharp sword... -annayin(??); 2004-4-12 {917} (#1681210@0)
                I dreamt her painted in crimson,
                morning sun blazing in her glory,
                maple leaves flaming in her mountain.;

                I span a bright crystal ball,
                light traversed each corner,
                peace resided in my vision.

                But she, a proud city,
                shattered by violence;
                Crimson turns to bloody scenes,
                railed with horrible yellow ribbons.

                Her slim sharp buildings stand in silence,
                as candles gleaming in mourning.
                The grey sky is an encaged shell,
                crowds huddle inside, weeping.

                She, the city I live in,
                is immersed in cold reminiscence.
                The echoes roll from her thunders
                call for the coming justice.

                I want to weave the threads of hope
                to mend her scattered seams;
                I want to plow the shadows of soul
                to trim her stained gardens.

                Let love seeds grow deep,
                let conscience fountains prime in rich,
                I want to see the day of her glory,
                booming as an immense blossom.

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