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Revised.... Again in the deep night... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZz

annayin(??)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛I dream of you in crimson,
sunrise blazing on your gaze,
rose clouds flaming upon your feathers;

In silvery threads, you sail on crescent,
gliding sheer wings above,
leaving trace as a sanyecao. (A thing represent God, I will find its english name later).

The city below railed by yellow ribbons,
streets inside muted in cold reminiscence;
The slim buildings huddle in silence,
as crowds hunting for evidence.

They spin time wheel to chase,
plow shadow of each angle,
Your smiling posters traverse the entire city,
carried by heartbroken citizens.

The coming spring is very cold,
Even chilly as the breaking news;
Candles and cards confide our yearning,
Wish you heaven a peace world to reside in.

You ride on a rainbow to my dream,
Pour fountains to my poem,
the sanyecao gleaming in your eyes,
sing a soft primal unison.

I cannot hold my tears
and even lose my tone,
The angel you present
cradled by mighty father.

Breezes softly blow,
birds joyfully chirp;
Where you laid will burst blossom;
whom you suffered from will face justice.

Wind will bring your fragrance,
tramp will find your lantern,
love ones will weave your hopes,
music will spreads your offering

I prime my dream to lines,
hone blue off my mind,
for a dream ending in perfection,
Tell Toronto, no more weeping.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
(#1683661@0)
Last Updated: 2004-4-14
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Replies, comments and Discussions:

  • 枫下拾英 / 乐韵书香 / 花瓣雨系列之 Revised: The city I live in -annayin(??); 2004-4-12 {917} (#1681218@0)
    • 刺！annayin，若抛开主题就文字而言：比前诗有进步！然而：刺！可转用借代手法阐释violence/love一类大词；刺！部分结构略嫌古怪，不易上口，语感不顺！ -spine(刺); 2004-4-12 (#1681297@0)
      • 感觉前半部分比后半部分顺畅 -rainrain(妤雨 桃醉丹斓); 2004-4-12 (#1681298@0)
        • 刺！既然是诗，就不必太讲究句法。可以省略主语，亦可省谓语：譬如She/the city I live in/is immersed in cold reminiscence若去is更通畅。 -spine(刺); 2004-4-12 (#1681300@0)
        • 又譬如：I want to weave the threads of hope/to mend her scattered seams若为又譬如：Want to weave the threadsof hope/to mend scattered seams更佳。 -spine(刺); 2004-4-12 (#1681301@0)
        • 不过，还是觉得前半部的句式不甚上口，略感拗，有些古怪。 -spine(刺); 2004-4-12 (#1681302@0)
      • Btw. Where have you been? Very nice pictures. Very good. -annayin(??); 2004-4-12 (#1681360@0)
        • ？？？糊涂了，难道看了3天书，连帖子都看不懂了？？？完了，明天一大早就要final，居然现在开始发昏了！ -spine(刺); 2004-4-12 (#1681999@0)
          • I thought you were in another ID. sorry, guess wrongly. -annayin(??); 2004-4-13 (#1682337@0)
    • Toronto, no more weeping (for cecilia) . Again need your help and suggestions. -annayin(??); 2004-4-13 {1294} (#1682736@0)
      本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛I dream of you in crimson,
      Morning sun blazing in your gaze,
      Maple leaves flaming upon your wings;

      You sail on a silvery crescent,
      clap shiny feathers beyond,
      wave to us to stop weeping:

      The city below is railed by yellow ribbons,
      streets were muted in cold reminiscence;
      The slim buildings huddle in silence,
      as crowds hunting for clues.

      They spin time wheel to chase,
      plow shadow of each corner,
      Your smile posters traverse the entire city,
      Carried by heartbroken citizens.

      The first spring is still cold,
      Even chilly as the breaking news;
      Candles and cards confide our yearning,
      Wish you heaven a peace world to reside in.

      You ride on a rainbow to my dream,
      Pour fountains to my poem,
      pat your pets and my humble heart
      in a soft primal unison.

      I cannot hold my tears
      and lose my tone,
      The angel you are
      whisper your wishes:

      Breezes softly blow,
      birds happily chirp;
      Light quietly glows,
      Tulips brilliantly show;

      Where sleepless nights cradle my consolation;
      Where strayed wandering light up my lantern;
      Where creatures rest share my concern;
      Where sunny music spreads shed my offering…

      The angels will watch these dreams,
      The glory will boom as an immense garden.
      I prime your wishes to my lines,
      Tell Toronto, no more weeping.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
      • 好极了！我们的建议： -jackysandy(Sandy); 2004-4-13 {434} (#1682804@0)
        （1）太长。
        （2）还是认为：Don't cry for me, Toronto 比较能够吸引眼球
        （3）不需要讲故事的形式。因为这个事件全多伦多人都很清楚。
        （4）主题应该放在昨天的痛苦和明天的希望。
        （5）不妨用第一人称来写
        （6）用小女孩的心灵来看世界
        （7）黄丝带是很好的表现方法。多用西方人习惯的东西。
        （8）她想回家，但是不能够。她的父母心情？
        （9）适当运用神话
        （10）结尾不能太淡了，要震撼和让人深思。

        希望您能重新构思，写新的。

        真诚祝愿您成功。
        • agree most of your suggestion. but annayin doesn't need to take all, some of them are in different directions, all depends on anna's own way. -spine(刺); 2004-4-13 (#1683176@0)
      • 刺！文字不灵动！ -spine(刺); 2004-4-13 {446} (#1683173@0)
        很不错了。还是建议将一些句子化成短语、大词化成小词，加强文字对情绪的渲染。如：

        Morning sun 相比 Morning sunray

        Maple leaves flaming upon your wings 相比 upon your wings / Maple leaves flaming

        You sail on a silvery crescent / clap shiny feathers beyond / wave to us to stop weeping 相比 Sailing on a crescent in silver / claping feathers beyond in shine / You wave to us / a word says：/ don‘t weep，my friends

        诸如以上，仅供参详。
        • Revised.... Again in the deep night... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZz -annayin(??); 2004-4-14 {1341} (#1683661@0)
          本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛I dream of you in crimson,
          sunrise blazing on your gaze,
          rose clouds flaming upon your feathers;

          In silvery threads, you sail on crescent,
          gliding sheer wings above,
          leaving trace as a sanyecao. (A thing represent God, I will find its english name later).

          The city below railed by yellow ribbons,
          streets inside muted in cold reminiscence;
          The slim buildings huddle in silence,
          as crowds hunting for evidence.

          They spin time wheel to chase,
          plow shadow of each angle,
          Your smiling posters traverse the entire city,
          carried by heartbroken citizens.

          The coming spring is very cold,
          Even chilly as the breaking news;
          Candles and cards confide our yearning,
          Wish you heaven a peace world to reside in.

          You ride on a rainbow to my dream,
          Pour fountains to my poem,
          the sanyecao gleaming in your eyes,
          sing a soft primal unison.

          I cannot hold my tears
          and even lose my tone,
          The angel you present
          cradled by mighty father.

          Breezes softly blow,
          birds joyfully chirp;
          Where you laid will burst blossom;
          whom you suffered from will face justice.

          Wind will bring your fragrance,
          tramp will find your lantern,
          love ones will weave your hopes,
          music will spreads your offering

          I prime my dream to lines,
          hone blue off my mind,
          for a dream ending in perfection,
          Tell Toronto, no more weeping.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
          • 还是觉得太长。而且构思反而不特别了。可能是我个人的品味吧。还是十分欣赏您以前的短诗，构思精妙而寓意深长。 -jackysandy(Sandy); 2004-4-14 (#1683784@0)
    • revision after revision, u missed your origin. -winterbreeze(麦苗守望者@镜.tab); 2004-4-14 {59} (#1683699@0)
      Don't listen to critics too much, or you may get confused.

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