Anyway, here's my 2 cents:

The lyrics sounds good, rhythm is good over all. Good job IMHO.

But u might wanna add another silmilar paragraph after this one
"Here I stand in the wind
with the stars up in the sky
Here I miss my mermaid,
and her sweet breath; "
for each section(two total, right?). Two verses + chorus "Wo...."

And maybe change some words at the end of some sentences to make it more.....
such as "melody", "seconds"

这是很典型的歌词，我读了几遍，发现音韵很好，几乎我能马上哼出来。
创意也很好。我不知道别人如何，但是用海一般的爱召唤自己的美人鱼，很深情。

作为您的尝试，我觉得您迈出了成功的第二步。

那么以下一些小建议：

Wo, Mermaid,
come to my sea,
Let us dance
I will wipe your tear.

擦干泪似乎和跳舞没有联系，没有上下文有些突然。而且概念上觉得人鱼没有眼泪。


然后整体上来说，高潮合唱部分太多。你用了 平、高、高；平、高、高 的格式，重复两次。通常太频繁出现歌曲高潮合唱比较容易让人耳朵疲劳。

建议使用 平、平、高；平、高、高
这样比较有起伏

其实歌词的创作我一向很鼓励，也很欣赏。很多歌我都喜欢里面的歌词。

希望我们能找到一些人来演绎您的作品。

Here I stand in the wind
with the stars up in the sky,
So much I miss my mermaid,
and her sweet breath;

Here my sail is in the line
with my heart staying behind,
So much I miss my mermaid,
the sweet surrender;

Oh, Mermaid,
come to my sea,
The tides flux,
can you see?

Here I awake from my dream
with the stars up in the sky,
So much I miss my mermaid,
her soft melody.

Here I search after your gleam
with lavender vainly sigh,
So much I miss my mermaid,
and her soft caress.

Oh, Mermaid,
come to my sea.
Life is short,
Love will flee.

Oh, Mermaid,
come to my sea,
When stars fall,
life is as onion and tea.